Stuck? This helped me.
I see cycles & patterns everywhere, by observing the universe, and by observing my experience, from day to day, moment to moment, in the ever-present now.
On a personal level, we can deconstruct cycles & patterns into habits. But I am more concerned with addressing where the habitual behaviour arises from in the first place — this inner space, for lack of better words.
For the most part, the experience of my life unfolding has been unconscious, from a default space, upon the default interpretations & impacts of every experience since whatever the first one is, building on it — default feeling & default thought = default behaviour & default unfolding.
The wheels on the bus go round and round.
Nothing wrong with the default — but experientially, it’s going to depend on what your default is for you and where it’s taking you — in my experience, the default has been debilitating at times, keeping me stuck in the same emotional and mental patterns with the same or similar things happening.
Until I began to observe my experience on the level of feeling and thought, without identifying with it, without going with it — simply noticing.
I observed the unfolding of my experience to match my state. State is how I refer to the collection of feeling, thought & behaviour in the moment, now. It’s energy. And it is the experience I am having.
The state I experience
I experience very much on a feeling level, I observe that the mental activity is reflective of the emotional activity and vice versa.
When the feeling is uncomfortable, it’s one I’d get away from, avoid in some way — or perpetuate and get spiralled down into a deep dark rabbit hole of matching mental & emotional activity, very uncomfortable inner experience.
Which also happened to be reflected as external experience.
When I felt less confident or was struggling with my worth — these were the moments when I got misgendered or when I would be likely to experience jealousy. And this happened by default. According to my state.
When I felt confident and secure, worthy, I rarely got misgendered and didn’t experience jealousy — and if I did, the way I interpreted it was different, the impact of the experience was different. I didn’t make it mean anything about me, my worth. And this happened by default. According to my state.
A new default state: chain reaction
It’s worth noting if the feeling is different, the thoughts are automatically different. It’s not necessary to try to change your thoughts with your thoughts, or to change your feelings — they arise as matching energy.
There is actually nothing wrong with the feeling, it is rather the interpretation that makes it so, the meaning I make, how I experience it.
These feelings & thoughts need to be experienced when it is present, the key is to remain the witness and not be taken away, not perpetuating, not identifying.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result” — Albert Einstein
Here’s what I do now, instead of the default:
It’s energy. And it is the experience I am having.
1) Practising presence
I practice remaining present, the observer, the witness, the awareness of the experience — this looks like watching/seeing emotional activity (feeling) and mental activity (thought) — this looks like being with the feelings & thoughts, but not going with them, and not wanting to get away from them, just allowing them to be. Honouring what is, but not fueling it.
2) Interrupting the default pattern
It’s been helpful to label these states as I observe them, ie this feels like a self-worth pattern or this is a self-doubt pattern, interrupting the default pattern, seeing it for what it is (a thought pattern that matches this active feeling, energy in alignment)
3) Then, let it go
I bring my focus back to where the feeling is experienced until it is neutralised in my body or shifts into another feeling. At which point the process can be repeated if necessary.
In conclusion
I don’t know about you, but I was stuck in my own feelings & thoughts. I’ve been able to get unstuck. Sometimes I get unstuck in every moment, other times I experience sustained freedom. We all experience differently. Some of us are more aware of mental activity, some are more aware of emotional activity. Some are keenly attuned to both. They are energy guides. What I know is that emotional activity and mental activity are mirrored and the experience of my reality is mirrored in the alignment of the energy that I am.
