A mothers transition, with her trans son.

I am the mother of a transgender person. There is no easy way to say that the mismatch of my child’s body and gender was not easy for me to understand or accept. I was born and raised in a time when things were considered black and white, there was no grey area, no celebrated rainbow, not really.

When my baby girl was born, I felt like the luckiest mother on earth. All I wanted was the best for her and to do things together as mother and daughter. But it didn’t look the way I thought it would.

When Liezle was in primary school, I didn’t think much of it when she wanted to change her name to “Lee”, the name came easy as a shortened version of her name. My mother adapted to this name change easily. My mother was surprisingly understanding and supportive through all of it.

When Lee was in high school, she “came out” and said that she likes women.

This broke me, in many ways. I was raised a Christian, and this went against some of my beliefs. A lot of questions came up: What will God say? What did I do wrong? How do I handle this? How do I deal with this? How will my family and friends handle this? What will they think of us? What will they think of me?

She had a few lady friends, but it didn’t last.

One day, I was cleaning her room, she was 17 at the time. I came across a letter she had written to us.

The letter read that she was born in the wrong body, that she was supposed to be a boy. That she had always known but never felt able to communicate.

I felt sick.

We just accepted that Lee likes women. First a lesbian, now this! What do I do? How do I deal with this? What did I do to deserve this?

Today, I put my head to shame thinking of how selfish I was. Not once did I consider what Lee, my child, was going through.

I should have unconditionally protected, support and love my child that I brought into this world, a world that can be so cruel, but my heart was broken and I was not 100% in it. I just couldn’t understand.

Some people reacted negatively and said cruel things. But most of the people I cared about and loved accepted that Lee was different.

Lee always tried to explain how he felt. I listened, but I didn’t really hear him. I thought it would pass. We stopped talking about it for a long time.

One day some years later, Lee gave me one of his diaries to read, I felt ashamed and realised that I needed to take a look at myself as a mother.

This was not about me.

My child needed support and the pain he was going through was not something he had chosen, it chose him.

I started really listening, asking thoughtful questions and showing my support through my love for him, no matter what. We could communicate openly. Our relationship started to transform.

There were a lot of questions when he wanted surgery, I was most concerned with whether it would be safe. At the time, my husband was afraid that Lee would regret having surgery. I think this is a common fear among parents.

The journey my son went on after having surgery and starting hormone replacement therapy was his own. I didn’t own it, any of it. I supported him, I stood by him. As we both went through a transition together.

His life wasn’t perfect after surgery. He had an ingrained 20 something-year-old narrative about himself and his worth, that surgery wouldn’t magically fix.

But he began to feel comfortable in his body and the way that he navigates the world, and his narrative began to change over time.

If your child is transgender

Being accepted is important to anyone. From experience, I know that sometimes it’s not easy to accept or to understand. The steps to understanding and acceptance, start with taking a step out of your shoes into theirs.

Your child didn’t wake up one day and decide to be different to your idea of them. Did you choose who you are? Or are you just who you are?

The best we can do as parents are to love our children of any age, no matter what, to support them, to listen. To hold a safe space, of love and compassion, even when we don’t understand or accept the reality we’ve become aware of.

It’s alright not to understand, it’s part of the process of understanding.

My son Lee is the perfect man. Even though we didn’t have the mother and daughter time that I thought we would have, we have a special, stronger bond that will never divide us. He is special in every way. I am his mother and I am proud of the man he is.

This was written by my amazing mum, Marlene, who I love with all my heart.