Do you identify with your main label?

It’s something that is usually carried with you through every moment of your life, printed on some surface, on peoples lips and voices, and afterwards, engraved on some surface and imprinted upon the memory of others for as long as they’re able to recall yours. Your name.

It’s kind of a big deal, and at the same time, it also doesn’t really matter. Not in the much bigger picture, anyway. It’s just something else we didn’t really have a say in, like the circumstances (or body) we were born into. But since we’re here, let’s talk about the ways in which it does matter and how it does make a difference.

A name, when it comes to Gender Identity and Trans or Gender Diverse people.

For some transgender or gender diverse people, a gendered name can be a constant source of un-affirming their gender identity, just like pronouns and clothing/presentation. Which is why a name is one of the things that many trans people change first.

Being called by your name can feel incredibly dysphoric when it doesn’t affirm your gender identity, and euphoric when it does. Especially if you have the opposite experience to compare it to. So there is always that to look forward to if you don’t identify with your name!

In my case, I had been given what I considered a feminine birth name that I, therefore, didn’t connect with, “Liezle”. At age 11 I renamed myself to “Lee” and asked my family and friends to call me by this new shortened version of my name. Most of them did, and the name stuck. Although my main identification was imprinted with my birth name and schools didn’t care to use my chosen name, socially I went by it and it helped me feel a bit less dysphoric in daily life. My granny was actually one of the first to consistently use my new name. My dad had some difficulty and actually still does now, 23 years later. Haha. Oh well. It doesn’t really matter to me personally anymore. While I never connected to my birth name and long after I had legally changed it and had been living and presenting as male, it still caused me unease and emotional discomfort, because of all the painful memories attached to everything I made my name represent to me. But I know now, If I was born by any other name or body, my life will not have unfolded as it has.

These days I think that “feminine” or a “masculine” name is more of an idea that is held by many and the more important thing is how you feel about it. In my opinion, Jack is as much a feminine/female representing name as Jill is a masculine/male representing label. But the majority of society don’t share this view.

When transgender and gender diverse people find their name.

Transgender folks undergo many questions when finding their name and it can be a very exciting and liberating experience.

Some have known their name for a long time, some keep their birth name, some choose a gendered name, some choose a gender-neutral name, some ask their parents to be a part of choosing a new name or ask them to choose their new name for them. Which is a great way to involve your parents and make them feel included in the decision. I did this with my parents for my middle name. But I had to pull back on the reins when my mum wanted to name me Enrique, after one of her favourite artists, Enrique Iglesias.

A new name is a decision and an adjustment, for yourself, and anyone else that needs to reprogram some ingrained habits by calling you by your new name. Much like pronouns.

Some name changing advice for trans people

When finding a name, look for what that feels comfortable to you. Don’t be afraid to try it out, to see how it feels.

If you want to, you can ask your family and friends what they think might suit you, and see if a few of them come up with the same name.

There are also online discourses [I will find it and link it here] that let you try out new names and pronouns, to try out what might work for you before you share your decision with the people in your life.

Go easy on yourself, and on the people around you when they slip up and accidentally use your old name. The chances are high that they are actually doing their best, to affirm your identity and to support you.

Habits are hard to break, that it doesn’t mean that they don’t accept you. Most of the time, it takes some time. But you are all going through a transition of some kind together. And that if your parents are in the picture, you are one of the lucky ones. So be grateful.

It’s a good idea to work towards a relationship that is open and honest with the people around you. It will help you to be authentic in your identity and have good relationships with the people in your life and the new people you meet.

Parents, consider this when choosing a baby name.

Parents obviously undergo a lot of questions when choosing a name for their baby and are often under a lot of pressure when it comes to all of it. As if adding a new member to the family isn’t enough pressure. This name is going to represent their child, and them as a parent.

Will the name I choose be subject to bullying? Is it going to clash with their last name? Is there anyone I know with this name. Wasn’t there a dog called that? Is the name going to be masculine and strong enough for my boy, is the name going to be feminine and beautiful enough for my girl.

Consider this also, when medical technology tells parents they are having a baby boy or a baby girl, they are more accurately saying, that their new baby will pee with a penis or a vagina.

This is where the gendered conditioning steps in. Rather than raising children as children, their own little individual expressions, they are moulded as little cookie cutters; masculine little boys with short hair who wear blue and green and do these things and feminine little girls with long hair who wear pink and purple and do those things.

Through no fault of the parent, really, they are doing the best they can, and as far as they have ever needed to consider, there are only 2 genders. If a little boy has long hair or wants to wear a dress he is bullied or teased. So it makes sense that in some way, parents are trying to protect their kids from this kind of behaviour when they do gendered parenting — but I think whether a kid is trans or not, no one wants to be forced into any behaviour.

But what does this actually mean? It means that there isn’t enough knowledge and awareness on the matter of gender diversity, gender identity and gender expression— these fear-based behaviours that are still happening like bullying (or worse) originate from ignorance and a lack of understanding. If any situation is looked at with compassion, then acceptance and understanding are natural to follow.

While sex and gender do line up, sometimes, me being just one of many examples, it does not.

In an ideal world

Many parents already consider that their babies gender might not actually match what the sex of their body says, some friends and people like Elon Musk and Grimes endeavoured to find a gender-neutral or versatile name to bless them with, some also do gender-neutral parenting.

Parents who already have children would make sure that their children know that they love them no matter what and that it’s a safe and open line of communication between them.

As a parent, if you don’t understand, that’s okay — my parents didn’t understand either, they still might not fully understand. But they now, accept me and they are my biggest supporters. You can reach out to me if you need help. Just drop me a comment.

Parents, Teachers and Schools stop enforcing gender constructs onto their children, but rather let them mould and grasp onto their own, as it becomes apparent to them.

Parents would stand by their trans and gender diverse children, keep loving them and support them as they walk the journey of affirming their gender together.

Kids (and Parents) would have the freedom to express their identities and gender freely.

Transgender people would be more understanding of what their parents might be going through, understanding that their transition, as big as it is to them, much as it is their own, is also a very real transition in the life experiences of the people around them. Being understanding of the difficulty they may be facing will make the process of social transition or living as yourself easier on yourself and on the people around you.

In conclusion

Every experience is different and valid. Based on my personal experience; I never identified with my name, and changed it very early on, albeit not legally, and because social and gender constructs go hand in hand with gendered names, as well as the undeniable possibility of any baby, new or old, being transgender or gender diverse: a gender-neutral name is a great way to not limit or box your child or yourself, labelling them, while still giving them the freedom to discover themselves within that.

Changing your name is pretty easy though if you don’t identify with it. These days there is a lot more freedom of expression when it comes to gender and sexuality, more acceptance and more positive and diversely relatable content out there too, which I hope this ads to. That didn’t exist when I was growing up. I had the fabrications on Jerry Springer as my reference point. Eek. A lot of people are more aware, knowledgeable, accepting and understanding.

What is your experience?

Do you identify with your name? What did you consider when choosing a new name for yourself or when you chose a name for your child?

If you are an expecting parent, will you consider that your babies gender might not align with their sex and what the implications of choosing a very gendered name might be on their experience?

Please let me know in the comments, I would love to share in your experiences and for any reading the comments to share in your experiences too. Sharing experiences can be very helpful. But I ask you to please be respectful and mindful of the other people who might be reading the comments.